J (nefertlrl) wrote,

What if I am making a huge mistake?

I don' t think I am, but I can't deny that there is sick feeling in my stomach right now.  There has been one, off and on, for the past few weeks.  I am pretty positive we have reached the end of our line, but what if I am wrong?  I think about where our relationship was heading, it least in my opinion, and it was pretty much to Nowheresville.  I am not ready to get married, and even if I was, I don't think we as a couple were there.  There was just not that same connection anymore.  Is that just what comfort feels like?  I really hope not; otherwise I don't think I will ever be in a relationship for longer than a couple of years.  Then I will just end up dying an old maid, sans the plethora of cats.  I never want to have a plethora of cats.

But what if it is just a case of bad timing?  Who really will ever know this anyhow.  I hate second-guessing myself.  Its mainly just the fact that, when all is said and done, he is such an amazingly good person.  Despite our differences, I really truly love him as a person.  I never wanted to hurt him.  I mean, who goes into a relationship with that intent anyhow?  But regardless, even when things weren't great, I never wanted to hurt him (physically or emotionally).  But I guess now I have.  It feels pretty terrible.  This isn't how I wanted to feel; I tried to change it or make it go away. 

Anyhow, this is just how I am feeling right now.  I am sure the fact that we are still living together doesn't help the situation much either.  I wonder if after I move out we will ever talk again...  I can't imagine never talking to him again, and I hope that, eventually, he will feel the same way.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I have seen my fair share (at least according to me) of tough situations.
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