J (nefertlrl) wrote,

In A Sentimental Mood

I am feeling a bit sentimental today.  This week.  Always.  I feel like I am in some sort of holding pattern.  And while I am in actuality on the brink of several potential life changes, I feel...stuck.  In a moment.  And I can't get out of it.  (You see what I did there?).  But its true, despite the cliche lyricism of it all.  I need to do some much needed, long overdue shedding.  There is a weight I have been carrying with me; a couple of real cinder blocks that have been keeping me sleeping with the proverbial fishes for far too long, if you will.  The metaphor here, kids, is that I am somehoe drowning in a sea of sameness amidst this tide of change.  I suppose what I really need is to find a way to differentiate between what was, and what is.  And what is soon to be.  I am so excited for this long awaited, highly anticipated new chapter in my life to begin.  I am finally starting to see the fruits of my many labors, and I want them to be pure and untainted (the fruits, that is.  Its too late for the labors...).  I don't want to keep measuring my accomplishments with the yard sticks of others' success.  At this age, it is difficult to not compare and contrast.  I am too aware; too "old" not to notice.  But that doesn't mean that my efforts should be worth any less; there is a lot for me to be proud of, and I know it.  So why the comparing?  Let's go back to the cinder blocks, shall we?  I have a terrible habit of over analyzing.  I also harbor another terrible habit of holding on too long to the past.  Combine these two, and you've got yourself a recipe for...well, for over-analyzing the past. 

And as far as the fishes go?  They are no longer quite the dashing bedfellows they once were, let me put it that way.  And so I am here...again.  Wondering what to do.  A catharsis of sorts is definitely in order, but how?  The traditional burning of things to be forgotten?  Lobotomy?  Eh.  Writing it out sometimes helps, but often it is only temporary.  I think this time around, I need to do something physical.  I'm thinking of starting with my closet; a little "out with the old, in with the new".  Anyone who has seen my closet can tell you I am vastly more experienced with inning the new than I am with outing the old.  The old tends to just get pushed further and further into the back of the closet (or under the bed, depending on general usefulness) to make room for the new.  I continue to push, and cram, and buy more hangers to accommodate an already full space, when really what I should be doing is sorting through the whole god-awful mess and getting rid of the things I no longer need or use.  Which, I guess, pretty much sums up my life in general lately.  You see?  This truly is long overdue.  So this weekend, a-tackling I shall go.  Once the closet has had its day, perhaps next will come under the bed, old files, and eventually my life will follow suit.  Let the great experiment begin!
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