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(wake up and apologize)

[14 Nov 2011|02:21pm]
I bought a new (read "used off of Craiglist") bookcase this weekend, and it isn't delapidated and on the verge of spilling my precious books all over the living room floor like the old one. These are exciting times!

(wake up and apologize)

Enough is Enough [17 Nov 2010|06:39pm]
Fuck it. I am going off birth control.

But why? you may ask. Crazy! you may say. I say nay. I say here are the reasons for stopping this malarkey!

#1. I am pretty sure it is ruining my life. And if that isn't enough reason, here are a few more:

According to the Mayo Clinic, side effects of the minipill (ie. progestin only, ie. the pill I am on) may include:

* Irregular menstrual bleeding
* Ovarian cysts
* Depression
* Weight gain or loss
* Decreased libido
* Headache
* Nausea
* Breast tenderness
* Fatigue
* Acne

So for some reason I always thought that this was just in my head, but it turns out that I was right in assuming that Errin (the stupid, life-ruining pill that I have been taking for several years now) can DECREASE LIBIDO. No shit. And no wonder. I seriously have zero libido. ZERO. That is not normal for me and quite frankly I hate it. I am using the word 'hate' about a pill (mini-woot for actually getting to use that quote in an appropriate context!). Aside from this travesty, I have also had at least seven of the above possible side effects, and I am at least 90% certain depression is one of them. I haven't felt like myself for about two and a half years now. Let me tell you, that is a long damn time to not feel like oneself. Granted, a lot in my life has changed, but my outlook on life and general attitude should not be one of them. I have been having serious bouts of listlessness and general unhappiness. AND I hardly ever talk anymore; it feels like my brain has just stopped generating its own content. I have gone from somebody who couldn't not talk to somebody who has practically no conversational skills and it bothers me quite a bit. I am not sure that I can pin all of these problems solely on the pill, but it certainly looks as though it is a major contributor given the information.

Things aren't going great with Adam lately, and this has got me really thinking about my past few relationships and how/when things started going south. I love Adam like the dickens; he's been one of my best friends for years, and since Pinche left he has been the person I've been closest to down here. Right now our relationship, though emotionally closer, is physically little more than a friendship and that sucks. So if going off gd birth control has even the chance of changing that, then off it I shall go. So let it be known, if I seem to be going crazy over the next couple of months, you've all been warned.

(1 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

Stuff I've Loved [20 Jul 2010|08:50pm]
Last night on my way home from Lestat's, I decided I would get my favorite Mandarin Chicken Salad from Wendy's. I even talked myself out of getting a frosty and fries so I could feel better about eating a fast food salad for dinner. Instead of satisfaction, I was served another dose of cold, harsh reality: Wendy's no longer carries the Mandarin Chicken Salad. They've replaced it with some shitty looking other salads. Fuck that. Do I really enjoy the things that no one else does? Seriously? So in light of this, I thought I would gather all in one place the things I've loved that went away:

Wendy's Mandarin Chicken Salad, July 19, 2010

Entenmann's New York Coffee Cake, October 2009 (discontinued on the West Coast, of course)

Lancome Photogenic, November 2009

NARS Gilda Blush, February 2010

Better Off Ted, no longer putting anything to work since the end of last season

First my favorite character, Constance (Jane Lynch), leaves for Glee, then the show gets canceled. Perhaps this isn't so much because of my liking it...

Party Down, June 2010

Ben & Jerry's Vermonty Python Ice Cream, sometime in 2009?
My most favorite of all ice cream flavors. I can't believe with as often as I ate it that it went away...

One A Day Women's 2-O, April 2010
I am horrible at taking my vitamins and drinking enough water, so this nifty product used to be the perfect answer.

Rubio's Mango Crispy Shrimp Burrito, March 2008. I boycotted Rubio's for almost an entire year because they didn't have this anymore. I had to give up recently, though, because sometimes you just need a fish taco. I have since resumed the boycott!

Hawaiian Breeze fan, July 26, 2010. Allison left hers, which fit perfectly into my window and actually made living in my room in the Summer bearable for once. It broke last night, and it looks as though these are no longer being produced. So far no other box fan fits in my window.

I know there are a bunch of other things, definitely more food. A few months ago I had to go on a wild goose chase just to find Woolite (at WalMart, of course). I fear my seal of approval may be more of a kiss of death. Consumer goods, beware!

(wake up and apologize)

It's Time [20 Jul 2010|08:41pm]
I started more seriously looking at jobs in other cities and states today. The time has finally come when I do not care to live here any longer. Too much of San Diego has ghosts; ghosts of friends, ghosts of exes, ghosts of sameness. Everyone else is moving on and expanding their lives and it is time for me to do so as well. Once summer school is over. Too bad I have to sign a stupid 15 month lease. But leases can be broken. I never totally saw myself staying in San Diego forever, and now the feeling is almost overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, San Diego has been very good to me. But it also holds a lot of ambiguity. I've given a lot of myself to this place, for better or worse. I need a fresh start. Need to meet new people, see new things, do something fucking different. I cannot wait.

(wake up and apologize)

Where are all the F-ing outlets?! [17 May 2010|01:56pm]
[ mood | busy ]

How is it that The Living Room has practically no outlets available for customer use? This place is at least 3 times the size of Peet's, and I never have a problem finding an outlet there. Psh. Stupid Living Room. Their wild mushroom soup and view of the ocean is tough to beat, though...

So it is 8th week in my final (real) quarter at UCSD. Oh this is exciting. I just have to focus on passing Italian. I know I will pass my lower division Italian, but the upper division class is still on shaky ground. We haven't even taken a test or anything yet! Remember when I said this is 8th week? So...weird, right? She better just pass everyone. There is no way I can fathom having to come back to take Italian in the Fall; I think it would kill me mentally and spiritually.

Allison and I got our graduation announcements last week! We were so excited when we ordered them. Sadly, when they arrived they were, well...they were pretty darn disappointing is what they were. We had to fold them ourselves! And that isn't so terrible I guess, except for the fact that they look like something I could have printed out on my computer at home! For way less money, too. Boo UCSD...bad choice of announcements. But I am determined that this shall not dim the light of graduation excitement! I leave that to my dysfunctional family... Graduation is less than a month away now (yay!!!), and I still have no idea how the scheduling is working out once everyone is here. My mom and dad keep being all passive about it when I try to plan things, and I know once they are here everyone is going to have a fit if I don't spend enough time with each side. Bleh. I already told them Saturday night is mine! Allison and I want to go out, and Pinche will be here, and friends are ready to celebrate, so that is that. No changies!

There are so many things coming up in the next few weeks. Adam turns 30, which is just crazy and weird when I really think about it. Graduation of course. Then not long after, it's New Orleans time! I want time to fast forward to after finals already so the good stuff can start! But until then, it's all Italian and Children's literature, which, once I get into the working world again, probably won't seem all that bad.

Alright, time for newsletter before my two hours of parking expires. Meh.

(1 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

Uhh...I dunno.....Stuff? [28 Feb 2010|11:32pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Aww I just spent some time reminiscing and I've decided I really miss the good ol' days. Don't get me wrong: I love that I am (finally) close to being graduated, and there are things about me that I have learned over the past x amount of years, and I've grown and blah and etc., but sometimes it sure would be nice to travel back to maybe 2005. Just for a little bit.

I have been procrastinating all weekend on a really simple paper due for a lower division (my very last!) class. It's on the relationship of self and other, and it is due tomorrow. It's really simple, and had I actually tried somewhat hard, I would probably be done with it by now, but I am so incredibly burnt out on this topic. I man, how many freaking papers do I have to write about this same thing? Seriously. It is every literature teacher's go-to prompt, I swear. But that is lit, I guess. Everybody's gotta make a point about gender/race/religious/class differences. College has really made it near impossible to read anything without imposing some sort of colonial interpretation. I am so excited for next quarter, because there shouldn't be any talk about colonization or the salve trade in the readings I do. I am going to read Dante, which I have actually wanted to read for a while now, and I am taking an Adolescent Lit class, which I am really hoping translates into reading Harry Potter for college credit. Bleh. My head is feeling very swimmy, which might have something to do with the fact that the majority of my sustenance intake today has been in the form of coffee. Or sugar. Or spinach-artichoke dip. Not a terribly great combination for focusing the mind.

My writing has gotten terrible lately. I've been misspelling and typo-ing the crap out words I never have before. I am not sure what is going on, but I fear early-onset Alzheimer's is to blame. Or adult ADD. I think I am going to make an appointment with the doctor and demand extensive testing. I better do this before June, so I can use my health insurance. Who knows what coverage I will have once I graduate...

I've been watching Millionaire Matchmaker lately, and I think if I ever end up single again I am going on that show. The people are so amazingly ridiculous, I think it would be hilarious to interact with them. Or it would be infinitely infuriating. Meh.

Adam got me a Wii last night (or at least, that is when he gave it to me)! It is my Valentine's Birthday Graduation Christmas present and I love it. I bought myself a Wii Fit today and I am going to use the hell out of that thing. I haven't worked out in almost a year; that is just sad.

My family is majorly stressing me out. Things have come to a head again between Cat and Katie and my step-mom...again. Katie got way out of hand with Cat, and I told her to back off, and she told me she hates me. So that's awesome. She told me she doesn't want to have contact with me anymore, which I have agreed to. But ever since this proclamation, she has emailed and texted me weekly, usually just reiterating that same sentiment. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the psychology behind that, and quite frankly I don't care to. I don't need to deal with bullshit drama in my life. Say what you mean and act accordingly. I've had enough of dealing with fake people pretending to keep up relationships that truly never have or no longer exist. Why waste the time? Cat is freaking out because my step-mom is potentially still coming to my graduation. Katie isn't invited, but I don't at this time have an issue with Debbie outside of the usual, so I figure I am not going to make her coming out an issue. But Cat is and it is stressing me out. I swear, I can't have one day. One fucking day. I have worked pretty damn hard to get to this point, and I don't want it to be about anybody but me when I graduate (well, me and the 7,000 + other people graduating). I don't want to deal with my family not being able to get along for a 24 hour period. They better suck it up and be nice or I am going to be pissed. This is a big reason why getting married scares the hell out of me. The wedding will be a holy freaking nightmare.

I hung out with Danielle today. We met up for coffee, and at first I was totally worried it was going to be awkward. Up until today we had only hung out in group settings, and I seem to get nervous with one-on-one these days. With some people it is perfectly fine, but I have noticed that even with close friends sometimes I get, like, social anxiety or something. I worry I am going to clam up and things will be really uncomfortable. Or that I am going to say something really dumb...which, well, that sometimes does happen. Luckily I am also hilarious, so I can smooth those things over. But yeah, yet another thing I need to talk to el doctor about. I am seriously concerned about the well-being of my brain lately. Anyhow, happily the outing went really well (I thought). We conversed easily, and seriously an hour and a half had passed before either of us even realized it. We were supposed to be studying, so I guess that is really the only drawback. We went to a cute little coffee shop in University Heights where they were playing enjoyable jazz versions of 80's songs. It was great. Oh, and I drank an entire cappuccino without adding any sugar! Yay!

Ok, this is a really random entry. I think I am resolved to the fact that this paper is not getting done tonight, and I am just going to have to turn it in late. I have never turned in a paper late before, so I am sure this is going to give me a whole new experience with anxiety. Woo! Alright: Millionaire Matchmaker, shower, then bed. Go!

(wake up and apologize)

It's time for a boycott! [03 Jan 2010|10:54pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

First disappointment of 2010: Entenmann's denies me the enjoyment of my most favorite of cake-like confections. Ok, so technically this happened last year (October 24, so I am told...), but up until today it was all hearsay and speculation. You see, I had noticed over the past few months that my local grocery stores seemed to have a dearth of the New York Crumb Coffee Cake, and yet I hoped beyond all hope that Entenmann's hadn't really gone ahead and paid me the highest of insults by discontinuing this product. But today, as I was finally making a very overdue and long awaited visit to the Bakery Outlet, my nightmare was realized: Entenmann's no longer distributes the beloved coffee cake on the West coast. Seriously? What is that? The guy behind the counter at the store totally agreed with me about this atrocious mistake, and sympathized by stating that there is no point of living on the West coast without New York crumb coffee cake. I think I must agree. I told him this was the day of my sadness, and he said he was going to tell Metallica to write a song about it. We'll see what happens. Out of confusion and despair, I decided to purchase a cheese filled crumb coffee cake substitute to fill the void. I just tried it, and while it's close, it just isn't the same. I mean, well, there's cheese in the middle of the thing. And while it isn't bad, I'd really rather be wasting those calories on extra crumb topping rather than on weird filler cheese.

So anyhow, I have come to the conclusion that I must like things that nobody else does, or at least that nobody else is willing to spend money on. Spudnuts, the maker of my most favorite donut this side of the universe, closed its oh-so-convenient Ventura location, and Entenmann's, well, we all know what you did Entenmann's. I know there are others products which have failed me, but I cannot think of them all right now, because it pains me too much. I wrote their corporate office a letter today, explaining how disappointed I am in their actions. They better send me free coffee cakes FOR LIFE after this.

So yeah...that's what I've been doing with my free time. Perhaps it is a good thing that school starts tomorrow after all...

(2 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

Decisions! [06 Dec 2009|04:46pm]
Listening party tonight. I think this is supposed to be the introductory party, where you just choose three songs through which you, well, introduce yourself. Favorites I guess they would be? So I've got two for sure: Pink Floyd's "Learning to Fly" and Neil Young's "Old Man." I'm thinking my overarching theme (I've been writing too many papers...) for my set will be the songs that first induced love for each band. I was originally intending on "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" for Floyd, but that song is a good 10 minutes long, so in the interest of time "Learning To Fly" comes in a very close second. The guitar is not (though nearly) as awesome, and it gives me a similar feeling of serene joy, so it works. I am having a little trouble nailing down a third, though, but I think I've got it: The Beatles' "Rocky Raccoon." I am pretty sure this song is the first time I really thought man, those guys are gunning for Top 5 status. Now the challenge remains of organizing them for presentation. Chronological? No. Not alphabetical. Perhaps autobiographical...

(3 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

[06 Dec 2009|03:49am]
Somewhere along the way, I feel like Jessica has been delayed.

(1 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

And so it continues... [20 Jan 2009|07:35pm]
[ mood | economically jilted ]

These past few weeks have been a humbling and enormously validating.  Humbling because of the experience, validating because, well, they have just added further proof to the generally held theory that I am on some kind of terrible cosmic shit list. Seriously. It's a generally held theory now.  There are books and everything!*

So what, you may be asking yourself, now? Well, that is what I am preparing to tell you. 

One might say that things got ugly around the beginning of this year.  This ironically unpleasant year.  This year that, as I explained in my somewhat ignorant, quasi-bliss to my hair dresser while making the jump from blonde to auburn, was going to be "my year."  Ok, perhaps the declaration wasn't quite as cliché as all that, but I had done a decent amount of insisting that, at the very least, this year would have to be better than the last.

But now I am just getting ahead of myself.  You see, it's easy to point fingers at 2009.  But doing so is not quite fair, nor really all that accurate.  No.  Indeed, the proverbial shit has been hitting this fan long before popping the cork (or, in my experience, Jen Gale yanking it out unadvisedly with a wine-corker) on the bubbly this past New Year's.  And when I say long, I refer to the better portion of the past six months.  In the grand scheme of life, the universe, and everything, six months is really hardly what one would call a particularly long time.  But these past six months, the ones during which the soon to be divulged source of my current antipathy toward the general well-being of one to-remain-nameless accounting office has transpired, have been quite long enough for my liking.  Longer, really.

I should like to preface this only a little further by offering this brief selection from the theory on my life.*  You see, it has come to my attention over the past 24.8 years of my existence, that when things in Jessicaland seem too good to be true, it's really, quite seriously, because they are.  For every half step forward that I am somehow able to cajole from the 'powers that be', I am swiftly drop-kicked a good two steps back.  Case in point:  After four months of interning (and simultaneously taking it in the...well, 'taking it' while footing the bill, or perhaps more accurately, while others footed the bill...later to be deferred again to my footing of said bills, for restaurant reviews, miscellaneous expenditures, etc.), it was my good fortune to procure a position as Assistant Editor at a real, albeit small, magazine.  Awesome! Half-step forward: check!  Soon after working my first full pay period, however, I was introduced to

a myriad of financial folliesCollapse )


After the fun and excitement of all that, I naively figured the New Year would bring a fresh, resolved start.  While I was a good two steps down, there was still the beacon of financial aid on the somewhat misty horizon.  Soon there was money in the bank, school paid for, and a small surplus (after mapping out the next few month's rent and bills) left to make a much needed purchase: a new bed.  After spending about 8 or so months on a relic of a twin mattress, I was ready for, nay, in need of, a new bed; preferably one fitting of a woman of my age and stature (in regards to both my height and worldly influence).  And so, mere days after the dawning of 2009, I made this most happy purchase.  Frugal? Probably not.  Exciting? Indeed!  Timely?  As it turns out: no.  Not four days later, I was back at work, getting the old heave-ho.  You see, in the continuing decline of the great American economy, the magazine decided to cut its losses: namely myself and the two other hard-working inhabitants of Washington Mutual building, suite 1910.  To add just a hint of salt to the wound:  my co-worker knew about the lay-offs before we left for New Years break.  Under the candor of not wanting to ruin my holiday, he waited to tell me about being laid off until after I got back, which, of course, also happened to be after I had just spent a not too small sum on the aforementioned new bed.  Yep.  Awesome.  So very, very awesome.  And fitting.  It wasn't bad enough that I was now jobless; I was jobless only days after having just made the biggest up front purchase of my life. 

So nigh a week has passed since my last official day as a contributing member of society.  I have searched the job sites, posted my resume, and filed (just in case) for unemployment.  While filling out the paperwork today, I got my latest parting unpleasantry from my tenure at bizSanDiego in the form of a gross realization:  the entire time I was working there as a part-time employee (and I stress, employee), taxes were not once deducted from my paychecks.  No Medicare.  No social security.  Nothing.  Now, as an employee who filled out a W-4 long preceding a first paycheck, this makes very little sense.  And by 'very little', I mean no. Never once was it implied that I was to work for the magazine as an independent contractor.  Never. Once.  I signed nothing pursuant to any other agreement other than a W-4 stating that I would like to claim 0 for tax purposes.  How could that possibly have been misinterpreted? 

I have never been let go before.  I've never been fired, I've never left a job in any way (well, not in any physical way, at least) until I had another securely in place. Not for nine and a half years have I been without some type of employment.  And the one time, the one and only time ever that I am, it just so happens to coincide with the worst possible time during my generation to find a job.  That is what they call the icing on the cake.  The terribly stale, no good, unpalatable cake.

Honestly, I am not divulging this experience to induce pity.  Nor is any of this exaggerated writing; I mean, I'm good, but I'm not that good.  And I do know how often I have espoused the belief before that I seem to be stuck in some kind of cosmological rut of sorts.  But in lieu of any substantial evidence to the contrary, typing this all out is perhaps a cathartic experience.  Or perhaps more memoir for myself, so when I get old and senile and start airing my "crazy stories" to a generation of youths, there will at least be some kind of coherent history to back it all up.

In other, decidedly more uplifting news, Barack Obama is President!  And the new bed, despite all complaining, is exceedingly comfortable.  Which is good, I suppose, since sitting around on my bed and thinking about how awesome it is that we finally have someone who isn't Bush in the White House is about all I am going to be able to do for a while...

*Okay, so maybe I made up that part about there being books.

(wake up and apologize)

Surprises! [30 Nov 2008|10:12pm]
[ mood | A mix of delighted and sad ]

I just got back today after almost an entire week in Utah.  It was, actually, pretty great.  My dad and I went on a date for sushi (since nobody else likes it...fools!), I helped make Thanksgiving dinner, I received a plethora of homemade, holiday-themed pot holders, I was gifted with an egg McMuffin maker, I befriended a cat / dog, I picked tomatoes, and I was pretty much waited on every morning.  It was great!  Crumbly blueberry muffins, eggs benedict, quiche, coffee with special creamers, the works!  Every morning!  My dad and I did a lot of bonding this time, I think.  We discussed politics and China's imminent rise to power whilst soaking it up in the hot tub, and we watched the entire series of Firefly into the wee hours every day I was there.  It was great.  Sadly, the time went by incredibly fast and I am already back here with work and finals to look forward to.  blech. 

Adam Original Recipe picked me up at the airport today, and he actually came inside to get me!  I walked down the stairs to the baggage claim, and there he was! I was so very pleased by this, I felt it necessary to tell him so.  (He also had a beard, which pleases me greatly).  He laughed and came to the conclusion that he really must have set the bar low, because I am surprised/ excited every time he does anything remotely thoughtful.  But I mean, seriously, it's Adam (1.0)!  This is the guy that used to tell me that I kinda smell, and that is why nobody wanted to hang out with me.  And, granted, it made me laugh on more than one occasion, but it is hardly the kind of thing that sweeps a girl off her feet.  So yeah, I think the feeling of surprise will take a while to vacate our relationship. Which, really, is awesome.  Unless you are Jillian and hate surprises.  Heh. 

(wake up and apologize)

Word. [17 Nov 2008|12:12pm]
Ha.  At work today, my coworker mentioned how he went to the Beauty Bar this weekend and thought it was the weirdest experience of his life.  I responded with a surprised "really?", to which he replied "I think maybe you're a hipster, Jessica."  Haha...I am not totally sure how I feel about that.  I actually have never even been to the Beauty Bar.  I have always wanted to check it out, but just haven't yet.  Somehow I have created this image of myself at work as a total alternative hipster person, and I am not totally sure how... but it amuses me.  Muahaha.

(wake up and apologize)

What do you know, I'm anxious too... [25 Jul 2008|04:24pm]
The butterflies that have taken up residence in my stomach over the past few months are all aflutter this week.  This very important, life changing week.  Shall we list the events?  We shall:

  • I am moving tomorrow
  • Jillian has left for D.C. as of yesterday
  • I took the first steps towards quitting Kreiss, and have started a new, rewarding (?) job at a magazine
  • I've changed my major...again...
As you can see, with the few changes, I am altering a decent portion of my life.  I mean, decent:  my job, my home, my relationships.  Oh, and did I mention I was nearly completely broke?  Much of that stems from a combination of at least two of the three aforementioned goings ons.  Its insane, but I suppose I should be used to it by now.  My life tends to base its rotation on a constant ebb and flow of change.  Mostly, its all at once and decently drastic. 

Oh, and what about my live life, you say?  Well, that's a bit nosy.  But, if I must, well...its interesting.  When isn't it?  Ok, that year when I was single, I guess, but single was pretty interesting in its own right.  Ahem.  Well, Adam and I are...awkward terms, for lack of better phrasing.  There is not doubting that he loves me still, and I know that loving him is probably something I will never cease to do.  However, this does not mean that we are right for each other.  Maybe not right now, maybe not ever.  I am not sure.  But he has been overwhelmingly amazing over the past month and a half.  I say this in comparison to myself, as I know I would never have been as nice to him and as understanding as he has been to and of me.  Which, I guess maybe I suck, then...but I know me.  Tonight we are "celebrating" (again, for lack of better phrasing) our last night living at the same residence by watching Serenity and eating cheap pizza.  We just finished the Firefly series, and he wanted to watch the movie together since we watched the series together.  Yeah...its definitely good I am leaving I think.  The more couple-y type things we continue to do together, the worse its going to be in the end.  I dread how things will be once I leave, though.  Its going to be very difficult.  Not that they haven't been since May, but now it will be in an entirely different way.  To further complicate things (as is appropriate...what is being me without further complications?), there is Kishan.  And that's entirely its own story.  But suffice it to say, my bitty heart has never been so conflicted.  Externally, perhaps it is not showing.  I sometimes feel like the Grinch Who Ruined Everybody's Happy Living Situation (the room was perhaps two sizes too small?).  I feel a bit callous and horrible for "moving on" so quickly.  In ways I have, and in others I have not.  And in so many ways can I explain that very statement, but will spare the details for now. 

Lets just say that, in conclusion,  its just another day in the life of being Jessica: complete with changes, arduousness, and a dash of confusion.  Cheers.

(2 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

I've just made a HUGE mistake [09 Jul 2008|01:46pm]
[ mood | Horrified ]

I just send an e-mail meant for Jillian to the editor of the magazine I am interning for.  In said e-mail, I reference said editor and how he no longer edits down my articles.  I also may have said something about him succumbing to my written word.  Oh god.  I am totally never getting hired there now.

Shoot me.  Now.  Seriously.

I think I'm going to go throw up.

(wake up and apologize)

"It's good to have fun..." [02 Jul 2008|11:39am]
I love my co-workers sometimes.  Everyday our warehouse guy gives me some sort of an advisory gem.  Take, for example, the above title of this post.  He told me this after I explained how I ate too much for dinner the other day.  Indeed, sir, it is good to have fun. 

I was lucky enough to have another unexpected bout of fun this morning.  The good kind of fun.  I got up really early (5 a.m. early) to get myself ready and professional for the big bizSanDiego Speaker Series.  I arrived practically on time, but unfortunately at the wrong place.  Actually, I arrived precisely where I meant to arrive, but the address was incorrect on the Witherby's website.  So after walking around downtown in a skirt in heels (always a fun adventure), I found Market and 6th, and the Witherby.  It was a lovely venue! 

For the event, I got to put pens and "reserved for..." signs on chairs.  I was bestowed the honor of working the registration table, and given the very important task of informing people of such things as "everything is in order alphabetically by last name" and "there is a continental breakfast in the next room whenever you are ready" and "the bathroom is just around the corner to your left".  Yes, good times indeed.  I was also entrusted with the prestigious job of photographing the event for the website!  That was actually kind of fun.  I got to go around snapping candid photos and making be-suited men stand uncomfortably close to one another.  Some ladies even mock-offered to flash me.  Fun!  After everyone was seated for the main speaker event, I got to "get my grub on", as they say.  Oh, how I love continental breakfasts.  Juices, fresh fruit, and pastries galore!  The glasses available for use after everyone had already eaten were wine glasses, and I selected cranberry juice to drink.  Several people asked "how's the wine".  I fear several others silently wondered if I have some kind of a problem.  A "red wine at 8:30 in the morning" kind of a problem.  It was humorous.  Around 9 a.m. people started filing out, and the fun was coming to an end.  As not thrilled as I was about getting up as early as I did, the day turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable.  It made for some grand people-watching, and hopefully it upped the company's consideration of hiring me since I was willing to get up ridiculously early and I gladly accepted all tasks appointed to me. 

My next article goes up on the website today (bizsandiego.com...ahem...).  I believe I agree with Jillian in thinking that this is my best review so far.  Not that that means it is amazingly stellar writing or anything, but I wrote the rest of my reviews so preemptively.  I knew they would get edited down into the bare-bones of what I wanted to say.  This time, I wrote what I wanted (mostly...I still had to self-edit to some degree), so I am interested to see how the editor at bizSD takes it.  He told me the last few times to work on being so "wordy", so we shall see how he deals with my around 500 word review.  Ha.  In all, though, I am glad to be getting some exposure.  I can't wait until I get something into the actual print magazine.  Then I shall use it to propagate my agenda to the masses and further my plan of world domination!  MUAHAHAHAha...ha.  ha.  I mean, uhhh...I will utilize the written word to diligently inform the business people of San Diego and spark "conversation that matters."  Yeeesss....

(2 shot me in a dream | wake up and apologize)

What if I am making a huge mistake? [11 Jun 2008|11:08am]
I don' t think I am, but I can't deny that there is sick feeling in my stomach right now.  There has been one, off and on, for the past few weeks.  I am pretty positive we have reached the end of our line, but what if I am wrong?  I think about where our relationship was heading, it least in my opinion, and it was pretty much to Nowheresville.  I am not ready to get married, and even if I was, I don't think we as a couple were there.  There was just not that same connection anymore.  Is that just what comfort feels like?  I really hope not; otherwise I don't think I will ever be in a relationship for longer than a couple of years.  Then I will just end up dying an old maid, sans the plethora of cats.  I never want to have a plethora of cats.

But what if it is just a case of bad timing?  Who really will ever know this anyhow.  I hate second-guessing myself.  Its mainly just the fact that, when all is said and done, he is such an amazingly good person.  Despite our differences, I really truly love him as a person.  I never wanted to hurt him.  I mean, who goes into a relationship with that intent anyhow?  But regardless, even when things weren't great, I never wanted to hurt him (physically or emotionally).  But I guess now I have.  It feels pretty terrible.  This isn't how I wanted to feel; I tried to change it or make it go away. 

Anyhow, this is just how I am feeling right now.  I am sure the fact that we are still living together doesn't help the situation much either.  I wonder if after I move out we will ever talk again...  I can't imagine never talking to him again, and I hope that, eventually, he will feel the same way.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I have seen my fair share (at least according to me) of tough situations.

(wake up and apologize)

I'm So Excited, I'm So Scared! [26 Mar 2008|10:42am]
I actually said that this morning!  Outloud!  Without even thinking!  haha Anyhow, the above statement was said in response to my getting a call from one of the Johns at bizSanDiego, letting me know that I got the internship I interviewed for last week.  I totally did not expect to get it after I didn't hear back from them by the time they said I should.  But lo and behold, at 9:45 this morning my phone rang with the good news.  I really am so excited!  And also, a little scared.  Mainly because its a new step in my life; its a new job (which I haven't had in three years!) and its actually something I really want to do with my life.  What if I come to find that I am not as good at what I plan on doing for the rest of my life as I think?  I fancy myself an alright writer and corrector of spelling/grammar, but what if?  Eh, I think I will be alright...but there is always a little "what if" involved in every new endeavor; otherwise, people would just be new endeavoring all over the place, right?  Right.  I am breaking out of the mold of my current life and starting a very new one.  There is a lot of change taking place next week:  my first quarter at UCSD, a new job/internship, healthier eating...and I am sure more will follow.  Change tends to happen in lumps in my life.  I still have an interview with another internship tomorrow: a paid internship.  The company itself, I must admit, is less appealing than working for a magazine, but the fact that it is paid is definitely more appealing that not getting paid.  Oh, dilemmas.  In the interview with bizSanDiego, they mentioned that I would probably only be in about once a week since their office is small, and they wouldn't really have anywhere to "put" me.  This is actually a good thing, since I would still need to keep my job at Kreiss.  Gotta make those ends.  With the internship I am interviewing for tomorrow, I believe I would need to quit working at Kreiss as they want someone in their office at least 15 hours a week.  I guess in the end, its all going to come down to how much the paid internship wants to shell out.  If its not much, then its a no go.  If its a decent wage, then, well...we'll see.  Its also in Carlsbad, so gas is a factor, too.  This is all even assuming that I have a choice; I have no job offer from tomorrow's interview at this point, so it may not even come into play in the long run.  But I suppose its not a bad idea to weigh the options early...

(wake up and apologize)

Birthday [24 Mar 2008|03:05pm]
Ringing in 24 was chockablock full of interesting experiences.  I don't want to wait too long before I post about it, but I know it would take me too long to write everything in detail.  So instead of a potential multi-part or extremely long post, I am just going to list some highlights.  Sound good?  Here we go...

  • Home:  The first day I got there, I had a mini-fight with Cat and Mom.  Ahh, just like the old days.  Luckily it was short-lived and I was able to enjoy my amazing birthday meal of filet mignon, augratin potatoes, and a rainbow-chip cake.  The next day was Matt's wedding, to which I was accompanied by Cat and Pinche, where we played "Spot the Stripper" and marveled at the photographic ability of our cell phones.  We drank before the ceremony while dishing with the lady bartender, had an awkward run-in or two with Cat's ex, sat through a good deal of the reception, and got hit on by Matt's 30-something cop buddies.  Cat and I also had a very thoughtful, yet very embarrassing, dedication from Matt and his new wife:  50 Cent's "In Da Club", because, ya know, it was our birthday.  To this we danced alone...with each other...in front of most all of the guests in attendance.  We were "saved" by one drunken man, who was carrying a Corona in his shirt pocket; not one of my finer moments.  After the wedding, we ventured out to Rookie's in downtown Ventura, where I was given a rather phallic and somewhat degrading birthday shot and was momentarily serenaded and had my hand kissed by this man:

Awesome.  Later, we went home, where I somehow managed to remember to take off all of my jewelry.  I was pretty impressed with that the next morning, considering how hungover I felt.  Monday was Cat's birthday, which she spent at work, and which I spent lunching and shopping with my mom.  That was a really good time, actually, and I got some pretty awesome new stuff as well (new knife set!  towels!  waffle/sandwich/pizelle maker! to name a few).  Being that Monday was also St. Patrick's Day, we did the traditional Corned Beef and Cabbage (and soda bread!), which was very delicious.  I did homework with Alex (go circumference!) and then he showed me his myriad of computer and playstation games.  That night was supposed to include going out to bars with Cat's friends, but instead turned into another down home family fued, and not the fun kind like on tv.  It was actually all pretty terrible, and I think the sooner my sister can move out, the better.  I think she said it best when she told me that as much as she appreciates my parents letting her move back in and helping her get out of debt, living with them could potentially ruin what is left of her relationship with my mom.  Tuesday was my last day at home, so after a quick spot of tea, I hit the road at precisely the worst possible time.  I made it to L.A. just in time for lots of really fun traffic.  Somehow, though, I made it home by about 7, so there were still a few hours left for me to decompress before returning to another work week.
  • San Diego:  Before going home, Adam gave me my birthday gift, which was a coupon entitling me to either a new tattoo or a new cell phone, my choice.  It also had some fine print at the bottom, notifying me of the terms of said coupon, as well as the included bonus of a complimentary lifetime of love.  That in itself was a very awesome, and thoughtful, present.  But a new cell phone wasn't too shabby, either.  Yes, I chose the cell phone.  As much as I would like to have gotten a new tattoo (and I really, really would), the amount with which I detested my phone trumped my desire to get inked.  I mean, that thing really sucked.  Lots.  As the week after my return from Ventura wore on, it was sprinkled with a few more birthday surprises.  I received gifts from my dad (including the one and only season of Firefly, adorable new shoes, Love Actually, and a dress I have been coveting for a good month or so now), cards from relatives, gifts from co-workers, etc.  It was nice.  Friday was spent Taco Tuesdaying with Cory, Kirsten, Justin, and their new from-anatomy-class friend, Darcy.  She seems very nice, and I have a feeling we shall be seeing more of her in the future.  After Cory's, I planned on heading home as I was exhausted from the weeks' activities, but instead went over to Adam1.0's place.  While there, we played a couple of very competitive rounds of Wii bowling, Beez did a lot of lying around on me, and we made a birthday cake consisting of boxed chocolate cake-mix, Reese's peanut-butter eggs, and rainbow chip frosting.  The result:  totally delicious.  It was good to spend some quality time with Adam; he cracks me up.  Finally around far too late for someone who intended to be home by 9 pm (at the latest!), I headed home and promptly went to sleep.  The next evening was birthday time with friends.  Hooray!  Jenny G bestowed upon me a king's ransom of amazing gifts, ranging from a priceless money guide, to board games, to a Chicken Launcher.  Also, I got a pretty neat card.  Pinche did some excellent event coordinating, which included the traditional blind-folding, a rather tasty cake, The Bitter End happy hour, The Strip Club (the dining establishment, not the place where ladies and/or men dance half nude), and going out!  It was a very enjoyable time, and it was nice to have everyone there.  Pinche and I proceeded to get waster (mostly on our own, with a little company from Kirsten) and wanted to go dancing.  But alas, downtown was not rife with dancing opportunities for an affordable fare, and so we decided to try our luck in PB.  Sadly, PB sucks, and so that did not pan out so well.  After the music that we paid $5 (plus the plethora more that pinche so kindly spent on drinks) to go and dance to shut off at 12:30, the night was pretty much at its end.  But despite that, I would call the whole endeavor a success.  Good times indeed!  The next morning, I awoke with my second birthday hangover, which I promptly cured with a trip to Red Robin with Adam2.0 for a free hamburger.  Unfortunately, when you give the server your "Free Birthday Burger" coupon, sining gets involved.  All I wanted was a free burger. And maybe a shake to make the headache go away.  Instead, I got sung the creepy "Happy Birthday" jingle in an almost entirely empty restaurant at 11:30 on Easter morning.  Happily, the singing came with a sundae, so I'll call it a wash.  I decided to round out the day with some cleaning and unpacking.  It was therapeutic and, I thought, very appropriately mature, as I am 24 now.  
So there you have it:  my birthday in a nutshell.  A really rather large nutshell.  So much for highlights.  

(wake up and apologize)

In A Sentimental Mood [20 Mar 2008|04:11pm]
I am feeling a bit sentimental today.  This week.  Always.  I feel like I am in some sort of holding pattern.  And while I am in actuality on the brink of several potential life changes, I feel...stuck.  In a moment.  And I can't get out of it.  (You see what I did there?).  But its true, despite the cliche lyricism of it all.  I need to do some much needed, long overdue shedding.  There is a weight I have been carrying with me; a couple of real cinder blocks that have been keeping me sleeping with the proverbial fishes for far too long, if you will.  The metaphor here, kids, is that I am somehoe drowning in a sea of sameness amidst this tide of change.  I suppose what I really need is to find a way to differentiate between what was, and what is.  And what is soon to be.  I am so excited for this long awaited, highly anticipated new chapter in my life to begin.  I am finally starting to see the fruits of my many labors, and I want them to be pure and untainted (the fruits, that is.  Its too late for the labors...).  I don't want to keep measuring my accomplishments with the yard sticks of others' success.  At this age, it is difficult to not compare and contrast.  I am too aware; too "old" not to notice.  But that doesn't mean that my efforts should be worth any less; there is a lot for me to be proud of, and I know it.  So why the comparing?  Let's go back to the cinder blocks, shall we?  I have a terrible habit of over analyzing.  I also harbor another terrible habit of holding on too long to the past.  Combine these two, and you've got yourself a recipe for...well, for over-analyzing the past. 

And as far as the fishes go?  They are no longer quite the dashing bedfellows they once were, let me put it that way.  And so I am here...again.  Wondering what to do.  A catharsis of sorts is definitely in order, but how?  The traditional burning of things to be forgotten?  Lobotomy?  Eh.  Writing it out sometimes helps, but often it is only temporary.  I think this time around, I need to do something physical.  I'm thinking of starting with my closet; a little "out with the old, in with the new".  Anyone who has seen my closet can tell you I am vastly more experienced with inning the new than I am with outing the old.  The old tends to just get pushed further and further into the back of the closet (or under the bed, depending on general usefulness) to make room for the new.  I continue to push, and cram, and buy more hangers to accommodate an already full space, when really what I should be doing is sorting through the whole god-awful mess and getting rid of the things I no longer need or use.  Which, I guess, pretty much sums up my life in general lately.  You see?  This truly is long overdue.  So this weekend, a-tackling I shall go.  Once the closet has had its day, perhaps next will come under the bed, old files, and eventually my life will follow suit.  Let the great experiment begin!

(wake up and apologize)

First Things First... [19 Mar 2008|03:20pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I had my first internship interview today.  bizSanDiego called me while I was in Ventura this past week, asking if they could set up a time for me to come in and interview.  So today at 2:00 I took a late lunch, hopped on the 805, merged to the 163, and headed for downtown.  Its a weird feeling leaving work on one's lunch break with the purpose of interviewing for another job.  It definitely makes time an issue, amongst other things.  And being as though the bizSanDiego office is downtown, I knew it was also going to be a fun time playing park-and-seek.  I circled, and I circled, and I circled some more...just for good measure.  After it was getting dangerously close to my buffer arrival time of ten 'til two, I decided to valet my car.  That's right; I valeted for a thirty-minute interview.  I'm a classy lady.  So after running up a rather steep parking garage ramp, hustling across the street, and riding an elevator up to the 19th floor of Broadway 707, I finally arrived for the interview.  Early.  Hah!  Once there, I interviewed with "The Jo(h)ns" in the confusingly creepy "Ronald McDonald Room".  Thinking that nowhere but perhaps McDonald's Headquarters itself would actually have such a thing as a "Ronald McDonald Room", I expected that maybe the room was...red and yellow?  Or maybe it was some sort of inside joke.  But, as it turns out, the name was entirely accurate.  Upon walking into said room, I came immediately face to face with the familiar and enormous smile of the red-haired clown, in all his over-sized and pixelated glory.  There was also a leggo McDonald, and a smaller, somehow less startling, photo of Ronald lying on a gigantic hamburger, amongst other things.  The Jo(h)ns were friendly enough; I was nervous, but they didn't really contribute much to that.  It was mainly due to this having been my first time interviewing for a potential career-oriented position.  Exciting?  Yes.  Scary?  Also yes.  They asked me about my experience with html, copy-editing, and if I knew anyone in graphic design.  I told them I am internet savvy, I have always gotten high remarks regarding my in-class editing skills, and no, respectively.  The interview was really pretty short, which I am inclined to think is a bad sign, but the interview itself didn't seem terrible.  They sounded interested, but sometimes its tough to tell.  I wish I would have had more questions for them, though.  I can always think of questions before and after interviews, but rarely ever during.  They told me I should hear from them no later than next Tuesday.  Let the waiting begin.

I have much to say about this past weekend, but am lacking the vocabulary and inspiration to do so at the moment.  Also, time is a factor.  So for now, just know...its coming.

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